Chapter Ten

I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to write about. A blank template and my thoughts. I looked into the mirror and realized, or discovered exactly what I should write about. Image.

I can be open about it most of the time, or some times I guess, but I never really say what's really on my mind. The deep down stuff. Well, I am going to just say it. Let it out of my mind and down on this chapter. This chapter of my life, well, it's been interesting, just like all the others. I have grown as a person, but I have also discovered imperfections that I used to never see. I look in the mirror millions of times during just one day. I look at myself and see what's wrong and rarely what's right. This is an issue.

The biggest lesson I have learned, is to love yourself. Image isn't just an outward appearance. It's inward as well. I don't like myself and as hard as it is to say, there are times when I hate myself. I don't like the word hate and therefore I choose not to hate anything. But I have hated myself. People would say that I am a good person, that I have a lot of talents. It's really hard for me to see. But I am a happy person, don't get me wrong. This is just my trial. My barrier.

Everyday I look at myself and think of what I can change. What I should do to be better. What I should or should not eat. What I should or should not do when working out. How much to do, how much to eat. How I can hide it.

When I am in "pain" I don't think to ask someone for help. I hold it in. When I want to cry because of how I feel about myself, I cry alone. There have been so many times when I just want to tell someone, to ask for help, anything. But I am a stubborn person. I hide it.

But there is light in this situation. I've gone through a lot with this whole image situation. I've gotten past some of my barriers. I may not be thin, or super fit, or extremely talented in athletics, but I am who I am supposed to be (to an extent). I am athletic and I can run and do most sports. I look better than I think. The mirror can be a stupid liar. As is this world. There are lies all around us. So I have learned to stop lying to myself. I don't lie to others, just myself. And I have learned to shut out the world and it's lies.

I have also learned that I am average. Seriously though, once I learned this I realized I can do so much more with my life. It's hard to explain, but I will try. I fail because I am average. I can't win at everything. But it's okay. Challenges are what make life interesting. They make us realize we aren't amazing (but we really are). We need to realize we are average, but also realize we are amazing. Hard to grasp, but once you get this, it all makes sense.

So.....love yourself inside and out. I'm not too bad about my inside.....no that's a lie. I have a lot of work to do with this. I look at my flaws. We all have flaws and it's good to want to improve, but it's goes overboard when that's ALL I think about. I dwell on everything bad that it becomes overwhelming and I feel like I can't improve. But I have. I am a happier person. I have been smiling so much more and that I owe to God. He allowed me to open my eyes a bit wider and see the world, the beauty in myself, and to live life.

Loving myself in an outward sense is so much harder. I am not the type of girl who would go anorexic, but I am the type of girl who looks at herself and wants to be thinner. Even when I do improve, it's not enough. I am happy for awhile, and then see that I need to lose more weight. One cookie shouldn't hurt, but I feel guilty. It's bad when you constantly look at what you eat and feel guilty all the time. I feel bad when I eat in general.

That's all I really want to say on the topic. I am getting better and I am on the road to happiness. That's my real goal. I'm not going to all of the sudden be super thin when I wake up in the morning. I am average. But I need to love myself, and I can't say that just now. It's a 2010 goal of mine. Love. Simple, but really hard for me to reach.

Everyone is beautiful in their own way. It's up to us to find that beauty.

Chapter Nine

It is now the year 2010 and I have made some awesome resolutions. Unfortunate for you, I am not going to list them here. Rather, I will keep them close by me and remind myself every day why I want to make those changes.

That being said, it's a new semester here at BU and frankly, I am not ready. I am always ready for a new adventure, but I don't prepare well enough.

I arrived in Boston feeling okay. Nothing horrible, but nothing exciting. I was ready for my classes and I was curious. I wanted to see people, and ultimately see if I would enjoy any of my classes. So far I have had the opportunity to go to three of my four classes. All are.....okay. I am probably only really excited about one. But that only means that I should change my attitude.

So that's that. But today was the first day of classes and well.....after I had gotten back from the gym, showered, gone to the bookstore, and finally arrived back at my dorm.....it all hit me. I am not really sure what "it" is, but it consists of many different things. Here's and idea of "it":

"It" involves less smiling. Unfortunately my mouth doesn't like to curve upward all the time. Rarely actually. This affects my positivity, and ultimately my happiness.

"It" consists of a lot of confusion. There isn't a moment where I don't think about something that just.....confuses me.

"It" can be mistaken for a slump, but I have a feeling it's not. I don't want to hide something in order for it to just jump back out at me at some inconvenient time.

"It" isn't good. There may be that slight good in there somewhere. The good where I learn a lesson, or experience something to help me grow. But all in all.....not good.

And....."It" is probably me.

When I think about that idea, more sense comes to mind. All this complaining and whining and "depression" is all due to one factor: Me. For once, I can look at this selfishly because it really is me. No one else. No one else is to blame.

So when we sit down and feel low and sad, just remember one thing, what is causing you to be this way? We have to define the "it" that just brings us down. And once we conquer "it", we can reach more potential and conquer more obstacles.

Just a thought.

END

Chapter Eight

Happy Thanksgiving.

This year thanksgiving is different. But one thing is the same, and that's what I am grateful for. I am so glad to be on the earth at this time and have the experiences I have had, am having, and will have. I'm a lucky girl to be here. I have so many opportunities to do so much in my life. Now to truly show how grateful I am, I should grasp more at those opportunities.

I am grateful for all the people in my life and I wish I could just tell you about each and every one of them, but that would take pages and take forever. So maybe I will just mention a few.

My friends really know me. I am still hidden, but they know enough to know what to say to make me smile. They know when I am feeling down and they say they care about me, miss me, and even love me. Simple words that mean the world to me. Sometimes I wish I could tell them how I feel. The sad thing is that I can, but I don't. So I thank all of my friends who have been there when I cry, act stupid, or just when I need someone to hang out with. Those people know who they are. They are my true friends.

One person who has really made a difference in my life is my brother. He has really inspired me to be better. I will admit that when we were younger (pre-mission brother) I felt like such a good person. Not all the time of course, but I thought I was so strong. Now that my brother is back from his mission and now that he is back in my life so much more, I can see so many of my faults. I never realized how "bad" I am. He's really helping me to be a better person and to be so much stronger in so many ways. I don't think he knows any of this and it's hard for me to express my feelings to anyone in my family. I feel too weak and I don't want them worrying about me, but sometimes I really just need my family to be there. They are always there, but I don't always let them in my life. It's something I really want to work on because when I do let them in, I see so much more and realize I have so much more support to make me stronger. Unfortunately I am a proud person and super stubborn. We all have our weaknesses.

There are others who of course have made an immense effect on my life. My best friends. No matter what, they like me for who I am! And that's not something easy. We don't argue, but we see each other for who we are and accept it. We understand each other, forgive each other, and most importantly, we are honest with each other. I really do miss them.

There is so much more I could say. A day of thanks. We all need to remember to thank everyone a little more each day. To serve and thank. It's such a simple task, and yet so many people forget about it. Always say thank you.

A thank you goes a long way. Those who have thanked me have really made me feel like I did something of worth. Sincere thanks.

I know that I obviously need to work on thanking more and showing how I feel, and I know that. I am willing to admit my weakness and that's what is putting me closer to the right path.

No many how many tears, hard times, heart breaks, and frustrations, I am happy because I know that God gave me this life and He trusts me. How can I not be grateful for something so amazing as a life like this?!